Why women don't hump nice guys

In response to my earlier blog about men who fear commitment/women who are addicted to commitment, several women pointed out that it's often the man who wants commitment when all the girl's looking for is a good time.  This brings us to The Nice Guy."

The Nice Guy just wants to find a woman who isn't afraid of opening her heart, a woman is  willing to give him a chance, a woman who will love like she's never been hurt.  Sure, she's been hurt before, but that's because she's always dating Assholes.  He'll be different.  He's a Nice Guy.  But she won't give him a chance, because women don't like Nice Guys.

Bullshit.

You're nice, but you're also a needy, clingy, spineless sycophant.  "Nice" isn't the reason they won't sleep with you, "Nice" is the excuse they give for not sleeping with you.  The truth is, you're a boring, bland, loser who is also a nice guy. It's not the "nice" part of that equation that's keeping you lonely.   And the main reason you are SO NICE is because it's the only way you can get people to hang out with you.  Because you're boring.  Stop offering to drive people to the airport and start reading books so you have something to talk about.  No, the Star Trek novels don't count.

By the way, the 19 year old stripper really, really appreciates you helping her pay rent and co-signing for that car.  But she's still not going to sleep with you.

5:25 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Guess what? They DID die for nothing.. we all do

THEY DIDN'T DIE FOR NOTHING!!!   – it's an emotional hammer they beat us with if we dare question the value of this war– "Are you going to tell those soldier's families that their loved ones died for nothing!?"  No, I won't have to , because they'll figure it out for themselves.  Guess what?  EVERYONE dies for nothing – killed in war, killed by a drunk driver, killed by cancer – all death is ugly and petty and shabby.  Death is not noble, it's not heroic, it doesn't serve a greater purpose.  We all die for nothing – the question is what do we live for.  Laying down your life for a cause is not the ultimate sacrifice… dedicating your life to a cause is the ultimate sacrifice.  If you glorify the death then it cheapens the life, and lessens the realization of the tragedy.

2:19 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Why men fear commitment...

Why are so many men afraid of commitment?  Um.. because so many women are addicted to commitment.   "Why can't you give me just a little commitment!?"  Well, for the same reason I wouldn't let an alcoholic "taste" my beer.  In my 20s I was all about "ooo, how can I get into her pants" but now I realize that it's usually a lot easier to get into someone's pants than to get back out.  You have to have an exit strategy...
 

The need for an exit strategy, that's what women's underwear have in common with Middle Eastern wars - otherwise you find yourself 4 years later going "What am I still doing here?!?!   I thought this was going to be a weekend thing, get in-get out.  I did not sign up for all this….this shit is costing me a fortune."

1:57 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Terrorists want to take away your way of life!!!!

Why is it that the ignorant rednecks (and, to be fair, ignorant of all races)  who are most afraid of the terrorists and who are most gung-ho about sacrificing hundreds of thousands of lives (our's and Iraqis and Afghani), obscene amounts of money, and our own freedom in the "War on Terror" (brought to you by GE!) are the ones who have the least to lose?
 

"Terrorists want to take away my way of life!"

Wow… that'd be a heartbreak… cold pizza, video games, unfiltered Marlboros, reruns of King of Queens and internet chatting with someone who's going to turn out to be an undercover cop… ya, there's a lifestyle worth fighting for. 
 

"The terrorists can have my Hot Pocket when they pry it from my cold, dead…well, actually, this one is sorta old and the cheese is clumping, so they can have it if they want."
 

Ya, I thought so.
 

www.myspace.com/MARKFRADL2         www.markcomedy.com
 

3:21 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

God's blessings work just like Amway

This is an email I just received:

***************************************************
I need this back. If you'll do this for me, I'll do it for you....

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that
God is all you need.
Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say
the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.

Father,
God bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they
may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your peace,
prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer
relationship with you. Amen.

Then send it on to five other people, including the one who sent
it to you.
Within hours
you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then
sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.

P. S. Five is good, but more is better.
********************************************************

So, clearly the Sky-God only works when he receives a certain number of votes in your favor (sorta like American Idol)  But fortunately you can start a pyramid scheme where you get a lot of other people to pray for you.  God's eternal love and blessings are full of loopholes like this!

The key thing to note is in the first paragraph: "If you'll do this for me, I'll do it for you...."    IF!!!!   Do not pray for any of these bastards until you see some evidence they've prayed for you.

Please note several things here:

1.  They specifically mention praying for prosperity.  I think if there's one thing Jesus made VERY clear it's that he loves loves loves rich people.  "Give up all your posessions and follow Me" clearly was a metaphor for "You deserve that Lincoln Navigator." "Easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to go to heaven"--clearly, needles back then were HUGE!

2.  god is addressed as "father" because god is a male.  Which means he has a gender.  Which means he has a penis.  And it's huge.  Anyone addressing god as "mother" "it" or "they" is clearly on a path to hell.

3.   Although god as a feminine makes more sense, because the biblical god seems to have both a woman's ability for unconditional love and capacity for holding a grudge (one guy eats an apple 10,000 years ago, we're all still paying for it?) clearly he's a dude.

4.  Clearly it is not worth your time to have friends who are buddhist, hindu, muslim, athiest, agnostic, taoist, etc.  Even if these people pray for you it's to the wrong god.  This letter is clearly a reciprocal deal (I'll pray for you IF you pray for me) and the heathens can't keep up their end of the bargain, they're freeloaders trying to suck up your prayers and giving you nothing in return (well, actually the agnostics usually have really good pot)

5.  God loves selfish people!  It's best to ask people to pray for YOU.  Oh, sure there are a billion and half people who don't even have access to clean water, the continent of Africa poised to lose a quarter of its population to AIDS, cancer victims, children with lukemia, blah blah blah but god will respect that you are smart enough to realize your need for flat screen TV trumps all that crap.

6.  "sit back and watch the power of God work in your life."   Yes, just like with Amway, once you get the ball rolling the hard work is over.  Kick back, pop open a beer and watch that power roll into your life. 

11:46 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Valentines was made for lovers!!!!!

People, can we agree that this holiday, like all holidays, has gotten too commercial?  We need to remember what it's about.  If Fox News can whip itself into a frenzy saying we need to put the Christ back in Christmas, then I say we need to put the "Suck my dick" back in Valentines Day.  It's NOT sexist, ladies please feel free to substitute your apropriate body part and verb into that line.

Valentines isn't about cards and candy and flowers and expensive dinners - it's about using guilt and a sense of obligation to prod your mate into finally trying that thing you've been subtly hinting at for six months-
 "Gee honey, I don't really know how the Bo Beep outfit and  a summer sausage got into the nightstand drawer, but since they're there anyway....Boy, those roses I got you SURE are pretty aren't they.  Ya, they were really expensive...that part's a bonnet"
 

3:16 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Worship the Slater...resistence if futile...

Bow down, sub-creatures!  Make your offering and you too can be graced with the sweet perfection of Slater's divine attention

From     http://www.mariolopez.net/network.php, the website of the actor who played Slater on Saved by The Bell.  Some things are so ridiculous that you can't really make fun of them, you can merely present them and let the humor speak for itself:

 

The Mario Lopez Network

So what are you waiting for? Sign up today!

Membership is only $30 ($10/year after the first year), and you will receive ALL of the following items:
 

Since the Mario Lopez Network has just begun, WE WANT YOU! So to help get the network going, we are going to sweeten the pot! For the first 30 members to sign up, you will receive a personal phone call from Mario himself!

That's right. This is not a joke. This is not a recording. The first 30 people to sign up on the Mario Lopez Network will receive a phone call from Mario in appreciation for your support.

But wait........ there's more......... ;-)

Have a lot of friends that like Mario? The first community to get 1000 members to sign up on the Mario Lopez Network will receive Mario himself.

What?

That's right. The first community that has 1000 people within a 300-mile radius sign up on the Mario Lopez Network will receive a meet-and-greet with Mario Lopez himself. Mario will fly to your location and have a fully catered party with the very people that have made all of this possible. You. The fans.

How does it work?

It's easy. All you have to do is sign up! And when you're done, email all your friends and get them to sign up. That's it! The website's administrator will keep track of all entries and as soon as 1000 people are signed up in your given area, email will be sent to all the winners, and an official announcement will be made on mariolopez.net to detail all information for the meet-and-greet.

So I ask again, what are you waiting for? Sign up today and let's get the Mario Lopez Network off to a flying start!

You're only one click away....

12:14 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Chinese Buffets, and other atrocities...

I eat at a Chinese buffet about once a year, because apparently it takes me about 12 months to forget how nasty Chinese buffets are – then i remember. Quickly.

 

I love fresh Chinese food, but at the buffet you have no idea how old it is... or what it is.   Ever see a little crowd of customers gatherd around a pan of food, poking it with a chopstick ---could be meat, could be pudding.  The signs are no help because they're never right.  I saw one the sign said Peach Bun, and I don't know what a peach bun is but I know what a peach bun ain't, and that ain't.   It looks neither bunlike nor peachy…they never change those signs, it's like Sweet and Sour Teradactyl, oooo that sign is old.
 

I saw one billboard, advertised a  60 foot buffet…60 foot.  When you start measuring food by the yard…that's a bad sign.  60 foot, you now how lazy the average buffet customer is, they're going to be "60 foot, that's a lot of food... but that's a lot of walking.  Can I get me a buffet escalator?"

"Shopping for food is like shopping for a hooker, you really should put quality above quantity…that 400 pound hooker is only 20 bucks, so she seems like a good deal….I don't want 60 feet of hooker.  Get me a nice three feet of hooker, that'd be perfect. 
 

2:43 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

don't you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me!

Yo!  Thanks to all the BoYs who hOlLa at me!   I no i'm HOTT!!  but you still gotta say it! 

Peeps always wants to no why I so hott--shit, I dunno.  Prolly cause i deserve it.  Shit!  I think the hottness of my hottitude make my hottinity off the hook in its hottesque hottitudity.

for all you who says you want MoRe PiCs a' me in my underwear i say get a life fReAks!  I aint no ho!  The seven photos i posted of me naked is all you gonna get!  As a single mother I have to keep it all respectable (yo!  love my baby!  shout out to little Shasta!  I'm going to come to grandma's house and get you real soon!!!)

Yo, keep it real!  don't be hatin'!  I no I a playa, but better than be played!  don't need no man to make me HaPpY!

PS  Duane, if you readin' this baby, please come home.  You always my numba one!!!  Fuck that other bitch, she just got pregnant to trap you!  All three times!


 

12:10 AM - 8 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

THE! BEST! EVER!

What is this odd need some people have to rank everything in life - "the best", "ten greatest" "100 most important".   How can you decide that Schindler's List is exactly four films better then Eternal Sunshine?  The apple is precisely three times as good as the orange?  Why can't we be content with things being great, instead of THE! GREATEST!

I think of this everytime I hear some flag-draped, ribbon-covered-car driving, these-colors-don't-run t-shirt wearing moron scream "America is the greatest country in the world!"   No it's not.  It's your favorite.  And so far it's my favorite(although I'm quite fond of Canada)  But that doesn't make it the greatest.
 That's an arbitrary statement - it's like saying:

"Vanilla is the GREATEST flavor of ice cream!"
"um...I like strawberry"
"Oh, you're saying strawberry is better than vanilla!"
"No, I'm just saying I like strawberry better."
"Oh, sure, you're part of that "blame vanilla first!" crowd.  Why don't you and Michael Moore just move to France together you vanilla-hating commie!"
"I like vanilla with fudge swirl."
"Race traitor!!!   Keep vanilla pure!"


ok...this is another thought in progress, I'll come back to it.
 

10:31 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

The new minstrel shows...

for decades touring minstrels in blackface performed skits and songs perpetuating the worst stereotypes of blacks: stupid, scheming, clownish buffoons.  Fortunately we've come a long way - now actual black artists get rich perpetuating the stereotype of blacks as shallow, sex-obsessed, violence prone thugs with love for nothing deeper than diamonds and Cristal.  And every clueless loser on MySpace who un-ironically flashes a gang sign in their picture buys into it..

The sad thing about all this posing is its transparent insecurity - the less someone has to be proud of the more they puff themselves up.  You never see a $250,000 a year lawyer acting like a bad-ass, it's always the guy who changes your oil who feels the need to loudly and often declare his bad-assedness. 

These guys are always the quickest to lose it and become violent because an ego is like a balloon, the more you inflate it the thinner it gets, and the easier it pops.

In a culture obsessed with racism it's odd that we seem to have a blind spot  - a gangsta' raper can get away with saying "I hate racism.  Now here's a song about me selling drugs to black kids while shooting other black men and calling black women ho's.  It's called 'I Love my People.'  This is dedicated to Jesus."



 

1:34 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

God is punishing the Liberals!

OK...so now fundamentalist preachers are saying the disasters, and the resulting high gas prices, are the fault of the Left.  God, they say, is turning his back on us because of the gays and the feminists and the ACLU.

 Oh, the Left, who have been saying for decades that we shouldn't overpopulate the coast, that we need to keep development from overtaking ecologically unstable areas, that we need to lessen our dependency on oil -- if only they would have spent less time pursuing practical solutions to our problems and more time praying to the Almighty SkyGod to not smite us we'd have been OK.  

Tell you what - we'll build a good floodwall, you pray it doesn't rain.  Come spring we'll see which of us is swimming.
 

4:34 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Jesus hates the gays

If God hates gay people, how come Jesus never mentioned it.  I mean, given that apparently it's God's #1 pet peeve according to the Religious Right - Long Bible, talked about A LOT of shit, and never once did you hear Jesus say:

   Love thy neighbor as thyself…but do not ass fuck thy neighbor, nor blow he, nor fondle ye his naughty bits.<br>    Yea verily, cut not thy jean shorts to be like Daisy Duke, nor Bo Duke nor Luke Duke, for thy bulge is loathsome and unpleasant to behold.  And to the woman I say be not like Cooter – wear not the overalls, nor the mullet, yea, for the mullet is an abomination before me and worthy of rebuke.  So I say again woman, look not like Cooter, nor taste ye of the cooter, lest you video tape it, for that is pleasing to man and worthy of praise.

Further to the man I say, when in a public place of urination,  cast thine eyes unto the heavens.  Look not left, nor look ye right.  I say again, sneak not a peak at thy brother’s snake, neither in admiration NOR in comparison.  --- for it may lead to iniquity.  And yea, if it is a truck stop bathroom, speak not to the man in the stall.  Thou he may offereth  to “play your flute”, saying none will know, and though thy serpent when aroused has neither conscience nor discretion, still rejecteth him.  You would be steeped in vileness, loathsome and smelling faintly of chewing tobacco juice.  Yea, even though thou would seeketh to purify thyself in the bathroom of Dennys, partaking well of the handsoap, thou wouldst still be unclean, for he has poured his lust upon thee.  <p>To the sons of man I say again, do none of these things, for the Lord doth find them really frickin’ gay. 

No, no, I don’t recall that part.  No mention at all, not even:

Yea, the meek shall inherit the Earth, and the effeminate shall redecorate it.
 

  maybe if jesus wouldn't have wasted all his time with that "Love thy brother" "Peace on Earth" " Judge not lest you be judged"  crap then he would have had more time for some good, wholesome Christian hatred

12:48 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Evil surveys

Just saw a posting/bulletin of a survey entitled "Why are you single?"  - dozens of people had given reasons/excuses/sad stories as to why they were single.

Evil survey!!!   It reinforces the notion that single is a horrible state.  Granted, I would love love love to be in love love love, but I would MUCH rather be single than in a relationship that is anything less than amazing (and we all know many people in that dreadful situation) ---

Why is it that when someone is single, and it's great 90f the time but sucks 10 f the time, all they concentrate on is the 10hat sucks.  But when someone is in a relationship that sucks 90f the time and is great 10ll they concentrate on is the good 10--  "I know he lies to me, and steals from me and cheats on me and is fucking the dog when I'm out of town....but we have SO much fun when we play Putt Putt!!!m  I can't just walk away from that!!!"

I wonder why people seldom ask "Why are you in a shitty relationship?" ...nine out of ten times it's because "I don't want to be single."

Ask people why they're single and nine out of ten times the answer is "Because I'm not going to settle."
 

8:13 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

No, seriously...Star Wars sucks

I kept an open mind.  I wanted it to be good.  I didn't expect great and was all geared up for good.

  But all it gave me was lame.

  Sure there were many little moments of lameness, like "Only a Sith believes in absolutes" (ironically, that's an absolute statement)  or the robot doctor who diagnoses "She's lost her will to live" (ummm...can I see the read-out from the "will to live" machine?  "Doctor, her will to live is at 120-over-85!  She needs chocolate or an orgasm STAT!"

But beyond the many bad little points, there are the small issues of acting, dialogue, plot, character likeability (the 'do I give a shit' factor) etc etc etc  Even the effects were cluttered, busy and unimpressive.   Simply put it fails on every level, and I take pleasure in mocking its rotting carcass.

And why do I take pleasure in that?  It's revenge for them ramming this piece of crap down my throat with commercialization -- they've sold themselves to every product endorsement this side of Sith-douche.  They are the ones who tried to build it up as a cultural touchstone.  A bad film I can say "Oh well" and go on.  But a bad film that's being trumpeted by product tie-ins from every TV commercial, food product, billboard and magazine as being culturally relevant makes me want to call "bullshit."  It's their fault I'm watching their crap movie thinking "Ooo, Darth Vader is almost as scary on the big screen as he is on my box of Cheeze-Its."  If it was a well done film maybe I could have looked past that annoyance, but as it is I'll never know.

11:04 PM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

The most amazing commercial you'll never see

By ye warned, it's disturbing to the point of being traumatic -- all the networks refused to air it
http://www.stoplandmines.org/slm/videos/kickoff_hi.wmv

2:02 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Police warning!! Beware of Mark Fradl!!!

POLICE WARNING TO MYSPACE USERS THIS IS IMPORTANT
STATE POLICE WARNING (NOT A JOKE)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

State police warning for online: Please read this "very carefully"..then send it out to all the people online that you know. Something like this is nothing to be taken casually.

If a person with the screen-name of Mark Fradl contacts you, do not reply. DO NOT talk to this person; do not answer any of his instant messages or e-mail. Whoever this person may be, he is a suspect for sexually disappointing 56 women (so far) contacted through the Internet. Please send this to all the women on your buddy list and ask them to pass this on, as well.

Among other things he is suspected of:

* Talking the woman into pleasuring him first, saying "Do me first, then I'll owe you"...a debt he never repays.  Several women have sent the debt to collection agencies - "Mr. Fradl, listen, we're going to need something, can you at least send us a nipple flick or a dry hump???  We can set up a plan, you can put a moist finger on her anus once a month for 12 months…"

*  Promising a back massage but only really doing that annoying no-pressure rubbing thing for about a minute, then feigning a leg cramp and removing his pants to "help his circulation"

*  Repeatedly asking questions about your co-worker Kathy, the one who always dresses in clothes a size too small.

*  Never actually breaking up with you, just letting the relationship get really shitty till you take the hint.

*  Always talks a lot during sex but never says anything other than "Oh ya, you like that don't you."  Over and over and over.  

*  Refers to himself in the third person during sex "Ya, you like it when Mark does that don't you!"  Over and over and over...for almost the entire minute and a half.



This screen-name was seen on Yahoo, AOL, AIM, and Excite so far. This is not a joke! Please send this to men too...just in case! Sometimes men like this get so desperate that they switch teams in the belief that his penis will SEEM much larger in an anus than in a vagina.  

Send to everyone you know!
Ladies, this is serious.
Gentlemen, PLEASE let your Lady Friends know....
IF WE CAN PASS ON JOKES, SURELY WE CAN PASS ON A WARNING THAT MAY SAVE A VERY DISAPPOINTING NIGHT FOLLOWED BY AN AWKWARD BREAKFAST, SEVERAL TEXT MESSAGES YOU HAVE NO INTENTION OF RETURNING AND ONE LONG, DRUNKEN VOICE MAIL MESSAGE THAT STARTS WITH SCREAMING AND ENDS WITH CRYING

Please repost.Thanks...

even if its a joke its not worth the chance

2:12 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Saddam... he was a bastard, but he was our bastard

Good news ma'am! We got rid of your cockroaches!

Bad news ma'am! We burned down your house doing it.


Saddam Hussein was executed for the massacre of men and boys in 1982.  The administration has been pointing to this heinous act, as well as his use of chemical weapons, as evidence of what a monster this man was.

Really?

This photo is from 1983:



That'd be Donald Rumsfeld embracing our then ally, Saddam Hussein.   The administration knew of the massacre, as well as Saddam's extensive use of chemical weapons in the Iran-Iraq war.  Our response?  We sent our envoy, who hand delivered a pair of golden spurs which were a personal gift from President Reagan.

But of course we had to back Iraq, because they were standing up to Iran.  Iran hated us.  Why did Iran hate us?  Oh, ya... because in the 1950's the CIA overthrew the democratically elected leader of Iran and installed the Shah, a brutal dictator.  Why?  Because the British convinced us the democratically elected leader was a communist, when in truth they hated him because he wanted Iranian oil to benefit Iranians, not the British.

But how did Saddam come to power?  Oh ya, because the CIA helped orchestrate the coups that put the Baath party in power.  Why?  Because we were afraid the communists would take over in Iraq (thousands of communists and suspected communists were massacred after the coup -- we're not pushing for anyone to be hanged for that)

OK...to recap:

We hate the mice in that field across the street so we bring snakes to eat the mice.

Then the snakes start to cause trouble, so we bring mongooses to eat the snakes.

Then the mongooses start to cause trouble so we bring wild dingos to eat the mongooses.

Then the wild dingos start to cause trouble...

So we promptly declare that the dingos are on the verge of obtaining nuclear weapons, that they're as evil as Adolf Hitler and we have to send in our military to wipe them out.  


hhhmmm... maybe we should have just kept our noses out of what was going on in that field across the street.


 

9:46 AM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Michael Richards -

I know I'm a little late coming to this issue, but people are still constantly asking me what i think of this (me being in the same business as Richards, and all)

The media and the general population climbed high onto their molehill of self  righteousness and condemed him, spent endless hours of television news time flailing him, repeating the video over and over.  They were in a lather trying to show how much they care about racism... meanwhile: (sources cited below)

We live in a country where 1 in 3 young black men are in jail, on parole or awaiting trail.   (let that number sink in...think about ten males you know.  Imagine 3 of them in jail right now)

33% of white people convicted of drug felonies are sent to prison.  51% of black people convicted of drug offenses are sent to prison. 

Black men account for  12% of drug users but 50% of those arrested for drug posession.

In Georgia, 97.7% of the people who have been given LIFE sentences for drug crimes are black.

Regardless of similiar or equal levels of illicit drug use during pregnancy use during pregnancy, black women are 10 times more likely than white women to be reported to child welfare agencies for prenatal drug use.

There are more black men in prison than there are in college. 

The median income for African American households is $30,500.  The median income for white households is $46,000

Almost 70% of black children are born to single mothers.

And the media talks about all of this...um...NEVER.  I  don't know if these problems are a result of racism, the legacy of past racism, failures within the black community, failings inherent within black culture, negative influences of popular culture, or the the effect of microwave ovens on curly hair.  The point is no one else knows the reasons either, because no one is bothering to report on it or investigate it.

1 in 3 young black men are under the supervision of the legal system!  If one in three white men had a fucking hangnail the cover of Time magazine would be "The Hangnail Crisis!" and Congress would be falling all over itself appointing commissions and holding hearings and apropriating billions of dollars for Halliburton to work on the Hangnail Solution. 

But about all these problems, we hear nothing.

So forgive me if I don't really give a FUCK about  a comedian saying "fuck the n****"  on stage.  I'm more worried about them getting fucked in life.




http://www.peace.ca/truthaboutblackcrime.htm
http://www.city-journal.com/html/15_3_black_family.html
http://www.futuresproject.org/publications/factsheetshortaa.pdf
http://www.drugwarfacts.org/racepris.htm




 

10:10 AM - 8 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

And the war on Christmas

Last year the profoundly ignorant were offended because Wal Mart employees were saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."   Really?  That's the part you found offensive?

 You're shopping at Wal Mart.  You're buying a shirt made by a 10 year old in a Chinese sweatshop, sold to you by an employee so underpaid they have to put a Snickers on layaway, in a store so huge it's neutron bombed every mom&pop retail business in a 20 mile radius…none of that offends your Christian sensibilities, but "Happy Holidays" gets your chestnuts roasting?   Nice to have your priorities straight.
 

I hate it when people try to make God sound as petty as they are --if you believe in such, do you think Jesus really cares whether we say Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas?  Is he really that picky?  They make him sound like a drunken sorority girl on her 21^st birthday at TGIFridays, "Fuck you, it's my birthday! It's my special day!  Shut up, it's all about me!  Somebody buy me a shot of frankenscence!"

 You want to put the "Christ" back in Christmas?   I say let's put the "God" back into "God damn, if you people would drink and get laid more you wouldn't be so uptight about all this shit!"

And if we're in the real American Xmas spirit let's put the "Jesus"  back in "Jesus H. Christ are you fucking kidding me with these prices?!  God gave the world his only son to die for our sins and all I get is a lousy 10% off???"

 They say religion is horribly under attack in America and that it's in danger.  I think they're right and we need to do something about it – now, this idea is a little extreme but hear me out –

 I think that in every town and city in America there should be special…"buildings" where people could be allowed to worship God in any way they choose, and we could call these buildings "churches" and not even charge them taxes.  --- and someday, when there are thousands of these "churches" spread all over the country, then  we'll know that religion is safe  and spoiled and that people who say it's in danger are full of shit.

7:48 PM - 5 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Le Hummer

Overheard a Hummer driver rationalizing his purchase:

"I love the environment - that's why I drive a Hummer!  So I can get out there and see all the beautiful mountains and pristine forests..."

Ah, I see... so you're raping the Earth, but the way she was dressed she was just asking for it.
 

7:43 PM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Yyyesss...feel your hatred...use your hatred...

Think of someone you hate.  No, not someone you dislike, or someone you don't care for... think of someone you hate.  Feel the hatred grind into your soul, feel it turn your glowing heart dark and cold.  Fell the hatred howling inside you, feel it hurl itself against the walls of tolrance and compassion, straining to be free.  Let it free...hate.  Simple, all consuming, oblivion promising hate.

Now go vote the opposite of what that person will vote.  Revel in the glorious knowledge that you have just canceled out their vote.  Think of them, all smug with their little "I voted!" sticker, secure in the knowledge that they voted just how Baby Jesus wanted them to vote.  Cackle to yourself knowing that you have denieed them their pathetic little voice in the world.

yyyeesssss... now go online and steal some movies, preferably some with full frontal nudity.  You've earned it.

Hey, if you wanted to vote for yourself you already would have.  this is just for those who need a darker motivation.

10:01 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

amazing video

I usually don't post this sort of thing, but this music video is hypnotic... it helps that I love the song, too...

Smog - Rock Bottom Riser
 

10:52 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Pledge of Alligiance

I just received an online petition demanding that the Pledge of Allegiance  be reinstated in classrooms - which at this point would take a Constitutional amendment.  This was my response:

Patriots!   Thank you for supporting a constitutional amendment requiring all children to say the Pledge of Allegiance! 

Those spineless liberals think that America is so great that people will naturally feel patriotism and loyalty toward it - HA!  Patriots like you see the truth - children will only learn to love this country if they are forced to pledge devotion each and every day.

Incidentally, this is the same reason that women and children should be forced to pledge allegiance to the man of the house.

Now, if we simply removed the words "Under God" from the pledge, then it would instantly be legal again, but as we all know atheists, agnostics, taoists, hindus, diesists and other heathens HATE this country, so why should we accommodate their silly beliefs?  By the way, the Pledge wasn't even around for the first 100 years, and "under God" wasn't added till 1954, so clearly Americans hated their country till 50 years ago.

Incidentally, rumor has it that some black folks thought the phrase "liberty and justice for all" rang a little hollow in the fifties.  At least I think that's what they were saying, they were way in the back of the bus and I couldn't quite make it out clearly.  They may have just been singing.  They love to sing.

Now sure, the Founding Fathers made sure to exclude mention of God from the Constitution specifically to avoid any taint of religion mixing with government, but what did they know - they all wore wigs and were probably gay.

So thanks again patriots!  As long as people like you are on the case then we can be sure that hollow, meaningless gestures will continue to triumph over reasoned discourse and important issues!
 

10:47 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

God's blessings work just like Amway

This is an email I just received:

***************************************************
I need this back. If you'll do this for me, I'll do it for you....

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that
God is all you need.
Take 60 seconds and give this a shot! All you do is simply say
the following small prayer for the person who sent you this.

Father,
God bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they
may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your peace,
prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer
relationship with you. Amen.

Then send it on to five other people, including the one who sent
it to you.
Within hours
you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then
sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.

P. S. Five is good, but more is better.
********************************************************

So, clearly the Sky-God only works when he receives a certain number of votes in your favor (sorta like American Idol)  But fortunately you can start a pyramid scheme where you get a lot of other people to pray for you.  God's eternal love and blessings are full of loopholes like this!

The key thing to note is in the first paragraph: "If you'll do this for me, I'll do it for you...."    IF!!!!   Do not pray for any of these bastards until you see some evidence they've prayed for you.

Please note several things here:

1.  They specifically mention praying for prosperity.  I think if there's one thing Jesus made VERY clear it's that he loves loves loves rich people.  "Give up all your posessions and follow Me" clearly was a metaphor for "You deserve that Lincoln Navigator." "Easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to go to heaven"--clearly, needles back then were HUGE!

2.  god is addressed as "father" because god is a male.  Which means he has a gender.  Which means he has a penis.  And it's huge.  Anyone addressing god as "mother" "it" or "they" is clearly on a path to hell.

3.   Although god as a feminine makes more sense, because the biblical god seems to have both a woman's ability for unconditional love and capacity for holding a grudge (one guy eats an apple 10,000 years ago, we're all still paying for it?) clearly he's a dude.

4.  Clearly it is not worth your time to have friends who are buddhist, hindu, muslim, athiest, agnostic, taoist, etc.  Even if these people pray for you it's to the wrong god.  This letter is clearly a reciprocal deal (I'll pray for you IF you pray for me) and the heathens can't keep up their end of the bargain, they're freeloaders trying to suck up your prayers and giving you nothing in return (well, actually the agnostics usually have really good pot)

5.  God loves selfish people!  It's best to ask people to pray for YOU.  Oh, sure there are a billion and half people who don't even have access to clean water, the continent of Africa poised to lose a quarter of its population to AIDS, cancer victims, children with lukemia, blah blah blah but god will respect that you are smart enough to realize your need for flat screen TV trumps all that crap.

6.  "sit back and watch the power of God work in your life."   Yes, just like with Amway, once you get the ball rolling the hard work is over.  Kick back, pop open a beer and watch that power roll into your life. 

11:46 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Valentines was made for lovers!!!!!

People, can we agree that this holiday, like all holidays, has gotten too commercial?  We need to remember what it's about.  If Fox News can whip itself into a frenzy saying we need to put the Christ back in Christmas, then I say we need to put the "Suck my dick" back in Valentines Day.  It's NOT sexist, ladies please feel free to substitute your apropriate body part and verb into that line.

Valentines isn't about cards and candy and flowers and expensive dinners - it's about using guilt and a sense of obligation to prod your mate into finally trying that thing you've been subtly hinting at for six months-
 "Gee honey, I don't really know how the Bo Beep outfit and  a summer sausage got into the nightstand drawer, but since they're there anyway....Boy, those roses I got you SURE are pretty aren't they.  Ya, they were really expensive...that part's a bonnet"
 

3:16 PM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Worship the Slater...resistence if futile...

Bow down, sub-creatures!  Make your offering and you too can be graced with the sweet perfection of Slater's divine attention

From     http://www.mariolopez.net/network.php, the website of the actor who played Slater on Saved by The Bell.  Some things are so ridiculous that you can't really make fun of them, you can merely present them and let the humor speak for itself:

 

The Mario Lopez Network

So what are you waiting for? Sign up today!

Membership is only $30 ($10/year after the first year), and you will receive ALL of the following items:
 

Since the Mario Lopez Network has just begun, WE WANT YOU! So to help get the network going, we are going to sweeten the pot! For the first 30 members to sign up, you will receive a personal phone call from Mario himself!

That's right. This is not a joke. This is not a recording. The first 30 people to sign up on the Mario Lopez Network will receive a phone call from Mario in appreciation for your support.

But wait........ there's more......... ;-)

Have a lot of friends that like Mario? The first community to get 1000 members to sign up on the Mario Lopez Network will receive Mario himself.

What?

That's right. The first community that has 1000 people within a 300-mile radius sign up on the Mario Lopez Network will receive a meet-and-greet with Mario Lopez himself. Mario will fly to your location and have a fully catered party with the very people that have made all of this possible. You. The fans.

How does it work?

It's easy. All you have to do is sign up! And when you're done, email all your friends and get them to sign up. That's it! The website's administrator will keep track of all entries and as soon as 1000 people are signed up in your given area, email will be sent to all the winners, and an official announcement will be made on mariolopez.net to detail all information for the meet-and-greet.

So I ask again, what are you waiting for? Sign up today and let's get the Mario Lopez Network off to a flying start!

You're only one click away....

12:14 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove